It’s true. I have no voice, no platform, nothing to say. Nothing that hasn’t already been said in some other, more sophisticated way. I do have some feelings though, and since no one is reading this anyway why not write them down.
I went to my cousin’s wedding tonight. It was gorgeous but something was missing, rather someone. In January my cousin’s sister, who was closer to my age, and was always my partner in crime, passed away.
It was an accidental overdose. Heroin. I didn’t even know she was using. The batch was laced with Ketamine. She didn’t know.
She was a pageant queen who loved the stage. She sang, danced, and performed in every show she could. We used to sing together. I had the better voice but she had a better family. We were mutually jealous of each other and also best of friends. Of course, that was when we were kids. I guess we all changed growing up.
We had to leave the wedding early. There was a picture of her by the front door and suddenly I could feel the loss all over again. I felt like I was looking over my shoulder waiting for her to arrive, like I shouldn’t be there without her.
Her dad can’t stand to see me. Especially not with my dad there beside me. I remind him of her, of what he lost. I tried to congratulate him and he had to leave the room. It’s hard not to take it personally because I miss her too. I know he doesn’t hate me. He just can’t stand what I represent: what he’ll never have again, his daughter.